Dear Father Christmas

Anonymous sources have recently alerted me to a somewhat illuminating conversation between a Christmas plaintiff and a representative of Santa Claus Inc., Lapland. The world should know about this disgrace, so I include the entire correspondence here for your elucidation.

Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Warning: Language.

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Dear Father Christmas,

It is of the utmost importance that you bring me these goodies on Jesus’ birthday.

A disc rifle,
A beachworld biosphere,
Palm top chess,
and you can park the L39 Jet outside please.

Thanking you,

Ms X

PS. I have been exceptionally good this year.

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Dear Ms X,

Thank you for submitting your Gifts Request to Santa Claus for Christmas 2003.

Your request will be processed in due course. Please be aware that we are required to conduct in-depth background checks on your behaviour over the last calendar year in order to ascertain your eligibility for the gifts required and also the viability of stocking and delivering said gifts.

Thank you again for choosing Father Christmas to fulfil your seasonal needs.

Kind regards,

Requests Department
Official Offices of Santa Claus
Lapland

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Requests Department
Official Offices of Santa Claus
Lapland

Dear Sir/Madam,

Thank you for replying so promptly to my Christmas gift list. In order to help you with your in-depth checks, I have listed all the charitable acts undertaken by me in the last year.

I have spent hours pretending to be interested in my colleagues wittering on about children, aches and pains, and financial worries.

I have regularly participated in tedious but necessary small-talk about the weather with the general public.

I have held doors open for people using wheelchairs.

I have exercised remarkable restraint when exposed to astonishingly rude and bigoted people.

I have refrained from pointing out the obvious idiocy in the behaviour of my peers, in case I offend them.

I have lent money to family members knowing full well the next time I see it will be when Hell freezes over.

I have blessed people with my lovely smile.

I hope the above list qualifies me for the receipt of my gifts, even it is just the L39 jet as I wouldn't like the inhabitants of my sleepy town to miss out on my spectacular night flights.

Regards,

Ms X

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Dear Ms X,

Thank you for furbishing us with the details of charitable acts performed by you over the course of this year. We will take this information on board when adjudicating your case.

While we recognise your indisputable record of good deeds and recognise that the supply of the L39 jet would not only bring joy to you but also a great deal of entertainment to your local community, we are still seeking clarification on the incident involving the industrial pneumatic staple gun and the goat from all parties involved. Once we have reviewed all the evidence we shall make a decision.

Please note that our decision can be contested by you but the appeal process is a lengthy one and would not, if successful, guarantee the delivery of your gifts in time for Christmas day.

Kind regards,

Furrgold Elvenguff
Official Offices of Santa Claus
Lapland

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Dear Mr Elvenguff,

I am glad you will be taking my charitable acts into account whilst adjudicating my case. However, I am slightly alarmed at your reference to the incident involving the goat and the staple gun. It was a prank with rather unfortunate consequences and I was simply an innocent bystander. The goat suffered no lasting damage and the man is now able to lead a normal healthy life after undergoing extensive plastic surgery.

I would be happy to forward the video-tape onto you if you need further clarification.

Regards,

Ms X

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Dear Ms X,

It is the fact that you stood by with the video camera rather than aiding either the goat or the man that may affect your application. We also take a dim view of your efforts to sell this video tape to the tabloids.

Our decision is pending.

Regards,

Furrgold Elvenguff
Official Offices of Santa Claus
Lapland

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Dear Mr Elvenguff,

I was participating in a public awareness campaign about the dangers of neutering bucks with staple-guns and I tried to sell the tape to the tabloids with the intention of handing over the proceeds to the Royal Agricultural Benevolent Fund.

I look forward to the speedy dispatch of my jet.

Regards,

Ms X

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Dear Ms X,

This still does not explain why your voice can clearly be heard on the tape yelling, “Staple the bastard! Get him! Get him in the face! Ha ha! Look at the fucker struggle! Staple his arse to the tree!”

Nor does this explain why when the man failed to satisfactorily staple the goat to the tree you then dropped the camera, wrestled the staple gun from the man, fired it into his face and cried, “Take that, you pathetic fuck! See how many women will want to shag a man with an industrial staple in his face!”

The jet will be withheld until clarification on this matter has been reached.

Regards,

Furrgold Elvenguff
Official Offices of Santa Claus
Lapland

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Dear Mr Elvenguff,

Just give me the jet, you elvish cunt.

Regards,

Ms X

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Dear Ms X,

Request denied.

All future requests will be blocked and automatically deleted. Your name has been passed on to the authorities.

Have a Merry Christmas!

Regards,

Furrgold Elvenguff
Official Offices of Santa Claus
Lapland

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Please note: The above post was shamelessly stolen. If you have a problem with that, all I can say is la bite!