Tuesday, April 27, 2004

A few pointers

by Suw on April 27, 2004

Bit knackered this evening, so have nothing more than a few stray thoughts which keep coming into my garden and pissing on the sage. Oh, wait, that's cats… Damn.
1. There should be a special level of hell reserved for spammers and credit card fraudsters. It should involve them having to sit at a computer day after day, deleting spam and fraudulent credit card orders whilst their feet are being boiled in oil, their eyes stuck with pins and copper splinters shoved up under their fingernails so that even opening an email is agony for them. They should also be forced to ingest large amounts of whipworm, have maggots feeding off open, weeping sores and, to top it off, they should have gangrene. Actually, they should get the gangrene now so that I can watch the fuckers rot in this life and not have to wait for vengeance in the next one.*
2. And, that's it.
3. Actually, now I come to think of it, trepanning should be involved somewhere too. Preferably without an anaesthetic. And knitting needles. I think trepanning and knitting needles make a very, very good combination. Although you'd need to take your time – no point doing the lobotomy too early on.
4. That really is it.
5. Honest.
6. Except for anyone involved in the development of Real Player. I think trepanning might be in order there too. I mean, I have the bloated piece of shit that is Real Player, cos you kinda need it, and the crap just dies on me. Won't even open anymore. I'm no techie expert, (if you need to stress test a computer, give it to me – I'll break it within seconds), I just do the most logical thing you can think of. I download a newer version of Real Crapper and install that. Still won't open. But now, periodically, I get these lovely and very informative dialogue boxes which pop up to tell me something totally bloody useless. I click ok, they vanish, then a while later, totally unbidden, up they pop again. Thanks Real.com. Your product is shit.
7. Which reminds me. Eudora. Ok, so I can't use Outlook Express because it kills my machine. IE does same. Just keels over, dead, like the proverbial parrot. (Can one refer to the Python sketches as proverbs? Hmm…) So I install Eudora instead. And initially that works fine, up to a point. I mean, it's not perfect, it doesn't do some of the things I want it to do, but it doesn't kill my computer. But now, well, now I appear to have reached some sort of email critical mass. I rarely delete emails, you see, just in case I need to know what I said to someone four years ago. Which happens. Obviously. So I do have quite a weight of emails skulling around. And maybe it's that, maybe it's something else, but somewhere a straw got stuck up a camel's nose and now Eudora falls over several times a day. Sometimes it just hangs and I can end task and it's fine, but more and more often it takes my whole puter with it. This sucks. I downloaded the newest version of Eudora, too, and installed it. Not a jot of difference has been made.
8. I hate my computer. It is a crappie piece of tautological shit. First person to say 'buy a mac' gets it in the neck, in the kitchen, with the carving knife, I promise you. If anyone can give me any other advice please do. So long as it does not involve the words 'reinstall', 'windows' or 'just'.
9. Cats rule. That is all.
*Note to future employers. I am not psychotic. I have a piece of paper to prove it, too.

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