No, please, someone tell me this is a joke…

by Suw on December 12, 2003

From BBCi, written by Nev Pierce:

Quentin Tarantino is laughing his ass off. At John Cleese. “Are you kidding? He cracks me up! Don't mention the ****ing war, man!” Goose-stepping across his LA office in a demented impression of the once-funny comic, QT is enthusing about Fawlty Towers – his soon-to-be-hugely-hyped adaptation of the 70s TV series.

Following the mixed reception for Kill Bill: Volume 1, he's put men-on-a-mission actioner Inglorious Bastards on hold, choosing instead to jump on the TV hits bandwagon started rolling by Steven Spielberg's interest in deadpan Brit-com The Office.

“That Sybil, she's one cold-hearted bitch, man,” he says, shaking his head in wonder. “I couldn't ****ing wait to work with Uma [Thurman] again so we just decided to go for it. ****in' A!”

Adam Sandler is set to play Basil, and he's not the only one excited by this virtually untapped source of great stories – with every A-list actor/director and their uncle bombarding eBay for blurry taped-off-telly copies of English classics.

Tom Hanks is in talks with The Beard about playing David Brent (“I think at heart he's a tortured soul”), while Chris Trucker has been tapped to play funny-fringed TA-freak Gareth.

Spielberg's production house, DreamWorks, is also eyeing World War II café comedy 'Allo 'Allo, with Tom Cruise considering the Gordon Kaye character Rene Artois and Ralph Fiennes – desperate for a profitable picture – lobbying to recapture the acclaim he received for Schindler's List, as leather-coated Nazi Otto Flick.

Robert De Niro is the other impresario who adores all things British, following his success producing the Ben Elton/Queen West End musical We Will Rock You. His Tribeca Productions (About A Boy) are developing Elton's The Thin Blue Line, with Rowan Atkinson reprising the role of Inspector Ray C Fowler and Martin Short displacing James Dreyfus as camp constable Kevin Goody.

The Method Man is also looking to play Rigsby in ,Rising Damp and partner with Shirley Maclaine on Terry And June, which will be directed by Alexander Payne (About Schmidt) as a bittersweet coming-of-(middle)-age laffer.

British TV is Hollywood's future. Best bet for Best Picture 2004? Robert Altman's Hi-De-Hi!

No, it's can't be true, it can't! This has to be some sort of sick, sick joke, surely? Uma Thurman as Sybil? Adam Sandler as Basil? No… that just so wouldn't work. You couldn't get away with the Manuel jokes these days for a start. And David Brent is not a tortured soul, he's a wanker. And… and… and…

No, this Nev guy has to be toying with us. There simply is no other explanation.

Josh December 12, 2003 at 4:50 pm

Well, we were running out of OUR old sitcoms to pillage in the name of movie ideas. It was just a matter of time before we got to yours, too.

Although if they ever fuck with Blackadder so help me God…

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Steve Kane December 12, 2003 at 5:35 pm

Chris Tucker playing the lanky, Cornish sad-case Gareth? Tom Hanks as David Brent? Noooooooooo!

Hmm, what about a Hollywood remake of The Young Ones with Arnold Schwarzenegger as Vivian, Ben Affleck as Rik, Russell Crowe as Neil the hippy and Bruce Willis as Mike? Yeah, that would work a treat…

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Suw December 13, 2003 at 10:49 am

Oh god… the thought of them remaking Blackadder… no, we'd have to form a lynch mob. it'd be the only honourable way forward.

I mean, just look at what they did to the Italian Job… it's not even set in Italy anymore! Gah.

Josh December 16, 2003 at 5:22 pm

I'm just glad you guys don't think I'm being irrational 🙂

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