First blogger to be fired by Blogosphere, evah

by Suw on January 12, 2005

In a case which has stunned and shocked the blogging world, long-time blogger and self-proclaimed blog 'expert' Suw Charman was today fired by the Blogosphere for alleged gross moral turpitude. Ms Charman was brought before a disciplinary hearing late last night, long after she should have been in bed, and summarily dismissed, sources close to the blogger said.
In a statement read to the press today, a tearful Ms Charman said, “This is an outrageous abuse of power and the Blogosphere should be ashamed of itself. This isn't about gross moral turpitude, it's just a vendetta against me because I never wrote my own blog software in BBEdit back in 1998. I can't help not being a l33t haX0r. It's just the way I am.”
The Blogosphere refused to comment on the case, saying that there were privacy laws to be abided by, and besides, the less it said the quicker the whining old cow would vanish off the news radar.
The forcible removal of Ms Charman from the Blogosphere was effected by Mr K Marks, of Technorati fame.
“We have been following Ms Charman closely since she first started to leave the tail of the power law curve,” said Mr Marks, speaking off the record. “When it became clear that she had pretensions to the A-List we took action and have now removed every trace of her from our databases, including the two anonymous blogs she thought she had deleted, and the new one she thinks no one knows about.”
Mr Marks has admitted, however, to keeping copies of Ms Charman's anonymous writing, particularly that juicy post about waxing her bikini line, 'in case it comes in handy later'.
Ms Charman has strongly protested her innocence, refuting claims that her blog was bland, boring and a waste of pixels, a view shared by Mr R Ojisan, resident of Hasch Joeetoh. Mr Ojisan defied the Blogosphere by saying “Ms Charman's blog is no worse than most other blogs out there. The truth is that the vast majority of blogs are bunch of arse and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Only one blog out of the five million that have been created is actually any good, and that's mine haytchteeteepeecolonslashslash…”
Another Hasch Joeetohnian, who agreed to talk to us only after strict conditions were met and a large sum of money handed over, promised that if Ms Charman started a new blog it would be hunted down and spammed off the face of the planet.
“She can run, but she can't hide,” said our anonymous source by the name of T Roll. “We have ways of discerning the identity of a blogger purely from a sample of their writing. The way that she overuses commas and her unhealthy preference for the passive tense gives her away every time. She thinks she is a grammar queen, but she can't use a quote mark properly to save her life and we will use this against her. She should give in gracefully and take up knitting instead.”
Meanwhile, Charman's supporters rallied to her defence. “Thank fuck it wasn't me,” said one, just after the news broke. “Yeah, I think I'm gonna take a break from blogging for a while,” said the other.
Ms Charman's partner, Mr C Rw, who has just recovered from groundbreaking surgery after a small stroke, has stood by her side throughout this devastating time. “Wubba wubba wubba wubba wubba,” he said vehemently, until he was lead back to his hospital bed for further observation.
In an astounding revelation, however, Ms Charman was heard to say – via the latest miniaturised listening devices recommended by so-cool-it-hurts blog BingBong – that she wished she had been fired earlier.
“I was working my pert little arse off for fuck all dosh,” she said to a far more talented friend when she thought no one could hear, “so frankly I'm delighted. I was starting to think that I was going to have to start posting taudry, poorly written fabrications of my life as a slut, or become an x-rated vidcamgirl, in order to get myself a book deal, but being fired by the Blogosphere is a far easier way of doing it. Not only do I now no longer need to get my tits out for the lads, I can pretend to be hard done by and feed off everyone's sympathy. I wonder if I can get the suckers to pay off my credit cards for me too.”
When confronted with this by an official certified professional proper journalist, Ms Charman jabbed her fingers into his eye-sockets and said, “Ffyc off, cont”, which apparently translates from the Welsh as 'Please leave the vicinity, you objectionable person'.
Ms Charman has since been offered a cool half mil to write a pile of steaming shite about her experiences as an internet underdog popular folk hero for a well known international publishing house who really should know better. Her blog has been posthumously given the Blog of the Year award by The Guardian. She will be the first blogger to appear on Question of Sport, and is widely tipped to become the new permanent host of Have I Got New For You.
In other news, The Guardian's Online editor and the Director General of the BBC were today both found bound and gagged in an abandoned squat, tautologically repeating over and over again, “Not the Fflwff stories! Please god! Not the Fflwff stories! We'll give you anything you want!”

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Anonymous January 12, 2005 at 9:52 pm

I always thought a sphere was too neat anyway. We should start a new one in a more realistic shape. What do you think? Blogoblock or Blogoblob?

Anonymous January 12, 2005 at 9:53 pm

Err, can you run that by me again?
Vince

Anonymous January 12, 2005 at 11:38 pm

Oh I dunno. Not many bloggers who get invited to redhead weddings in harvard and get to meet up with their beloved, who's also a blogger, in Harvard. Where's my blogging relationship?

Anonymous January 13, 2005 at 3:49 pm

For some reason blogoblob really appeals! I think you should start a campaign to get the name changed!
mark

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