Further inappropriate use of scrolling green text

by Suw on July 14, 2003

Some things in life are sacred. Scrolling green text is one of them, as I've mentioned before. Scrolling green text should only be used in one context, and I think we all know what that is.

Last night I had a nasty experience whilst watching the Paramount Comedy channel, and I’m still reeling from the pain of it. One of those really grim “infomercials” came on in the middle of an episode of M*A*S*H, trying to flog some electric muscle-toning belt that appears to work by making your muscles twitch a lot. Not sure about you, but I prefer my muscles untroubled by electric shocks.

Obligatory semi-clad male and female body builders stand about whilst their bellies do fantastic impressions of a dying fish, and some irritating bird in a suit tells us how great these things are. So great, in fact, that she’s got one on under her suit. I half expect her to break into a fit of orgasmic moaning, she looks so damn pleased with herself. To top it all, not only is she an irritating, smug cow, she’s also been really badly dubbed into English from American. (I know this because I’ve seen the ad on other channels, for my sins, and she was American then.)

Then comes the pseudo-science and, horror of horrors, the message that this equipment is ?scientific? and ?proven to work? is emphasised by green numbers that start scrolling down behind Ms Badly Dubbed Bird.

Oh, for the love of the gods of the rivers, mountains and the dark secret places where single socks go to die, please, no! Please, no!! Please, some things are sacred and should remain untouched by stupid advertising agencies.

If I ever meet anyone who’s appropriated scrolling green text for their own inane ends, I swear I shall not be held responsible for my actions, which will probably involve a lot of poking with a pointy stick and not a little gnashing of teeth and wailing. Hair may even also be pulled. And it won't be mine.

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