Until today, the whole car-crashed undead zombie that is my lovelife made no sense to me, or anyone else for that matter. Not alive, but not actually dead either, it just limped along, losing limbs as a matter of course and getting progressively fuglier and fuglier.
Today, however, I was pointed in the direction of Ladder Theory, and like a ray of sunshine cutting through the gloom to light up a new penny lying in the manure, the reasons for the perma-disaster that is my lovelife miraculously became clear. I shan't explain Ladder Theory in full here, because that would deny you the need to go to the site, and that would be just wrong. Instead, let me tease you, minx that I am, with a few flashes of ankle and a promise of cleavage.
Well most guys know that women dig guys with money. Would Donald Trump be fucking models if he wasn't rich? That question is rhetorical. Now I don't even believe this is wrong, I think it is just nature. But I also think women who are this way (and it is almost all of you) should be honest and admit that they are basically whores, and stop saying bad things about the so-called “actual whores” who are just trying to earn an honest living.
Most women read this and say something like, “Well I'm not the average woman because… blah… blah… not true… blah blah… my boyfriend/lover/husband/masseuse was poor… blah… blah.”
If you thought something like this you are very likely the average woman. If you read it and went “Hmmm…” and then you went back to doing physics, then you have a case.
Luckily for me, I read, went 'Hmmm…' and went back to IRC, which is just like physics, so I think I have a case. But anyway…
You can see that a lot of problems can be avoided […] by declaring as soon as possible to a girl that you will not be friends under any circumstances. You can explain that she is too attractive or you can be blunt and say you don't want to bend your “friends” over a table and fuck them, but would rather play poker and go to the races with them, thus disqualifying her from friendship. As long as you are clear. This may scare a girl away. But if it does what would you want with such a skittish little twit anyway?
Now, at this point, if you haven't followed the link then now would be a really good time to do so, because I'm about to tell you how all emotional angst (and thus my trainwreck of a lovelife) can be explained by two facets of Ladder Theory – Ladder Disparity and Jumping the Ladder.
This explains almost everything. Essentially, you have placed your intended higher up the ladder than they have placed you on theirs. This disparity is the root cause of every single instance of rejection you or I have ever had.
For guys, the rejection is because they are on the Friends Ladder, instead the Fucking Ladder (also called the 'Real' ladder in Ladder Theory, but real doesn't begin with F, and I like alliteration). For girls, it's because the guy thinks that he can pull someone higher up his Ladder than you are, even if the person that he thinks he can pull is Claudia Schiffer. She exists, therefore there is a real possibility that he may bump into her on the way to work and impress the pants off her, therefore she trumps you. (You're better off without these guys anyway – their grip on reality is gossamer.)
So, when your ex told you 'It's not you, it's me', what they really meant to say was 'It's not you, it's just that you're right at the bottom of my ladder and I think I've got a chance with that new bird in Accounts, so you no longer stand a snowflake's hope in hell of getting your leg over'.
Jumping the Ladder
Jumping the Ladder is when a guy either attempts to, or does, move from the Friends Ladder to the Fucking Ladder, or visa versa. This can happen for a variety of reasons, and causes much angst.
As we saw above, guys trying to move from the Friends Ladder to the Fucking Ladder deliberately often results in rejection. This is a bit crap for you guys, cos you usually have no way of knowing which ladder you're on unless you test it. So, either you give it a shot and risk getting rejected, or you assume you're on the Friends Ladder and learn to live with your frustration.
This is life, and the sooner you guys get to grips with it, the better. Us women have to get to grips with having Claudia Fucking Schiffer on the ladder above us, so fair's fair.
A different sort of problem is caused by guys who actually do manage to move from the Friends Ladder to the Fucking Ladder. Sometimes this happens organically (pun intended, sorry) and when it does, well, it's a lovely thing. Everyone gets an attack of the warm and fuzzies and love blossoms.
Some guys change ladders quite surprisingly, and this can cause Sudden Ladder Jump Shock. It's that getting drunk and snogging your mate only to discover that oh my god he's actually really hawt and why the fuck didn't you spot it before sort of thing. Never actually happens, but theories are all about positing potentialities, and this is one.
Then some guys move from the Friends Ladder to the Fucking Ladder when they really should stay on a portion of the Friends Ladder which I would like to propose is labelled the Not Fucking Available Rung, or the Not Available For Fucking Rung. I think it's pretty clear who goes on this rung – guys who are gay, married (or as good as), or dead.
This is where many of your best friends' boyfriends live and it's where they should stay. For if these men jump the ladder, well, it's a world of pain for all of us, but particularly for those sad sods that have to listen to all the crappy angst it creates.
Of course, if circumstances change, so does the Ladder, and if a guy previously nailed to the NFA Rung has the good sense to see that you're a far better catch, (i.e. if you're further up the ladder than his current shag), then it's only fair to allow movement, but it's still going to be a world of pain for someone. Best avoided.
Finally, there's the awkwardness of a Backwards Ladder Jump, from the Fucking Ladder to the Friends Ladder. This can happen for all sorts of reasons, but usually it's just because the girl has 'gone off' you. That's quite natural – it means that hormone levels have dropped and she's stopped being duped by her ovaries. No need to be offended at all – it's not personal, it's biological.
Actually, that's a lie. It may be because you're a twat, in which case, feel free to be offended all you like.
So, there we have it. Ladder Theory explains all. Many of my disastrous attempts at 'romance' have failed due to the hypotenuse being too bloody long – they're way too high up my ladder compared to where I am on theirs. Well, that's easily fixed – I'll just start ranking all you fuckwits at the bottom. Simple.
Other failures have been down to guilt over someone else's ill-advised attempt to Ladder Jump. Well, that's dealt with easily too. If you Ladder Jump and it goes wrong, that's your fault, not mine. I refuse to be made to feel responsible for the fact I don't want to fuck you.
(This, actually, has been something that has perplexed me immensely over the years. How is it that I feel crap when I get dumped, but I feel crappest when I dump? Screwed. Totally fucking screwed.)
Now I know that I have, in one fell swoop, just destroyed any chance I may ever have had of ever pulling ever again. My life is totally online these days so all potential suitors will at some point swing past this blog and this post will effectively move me from the 'cute blonde bird' category into the 'fucking nutter' category. Which is fine, actually, because I am. I mean, do I have to mention Simon Pegg again in order to prove the point? If you can't take the heat, don't stick your hand in the bunsen burner.
Obviously all theories are open to modification in the light of new data, so if you do have any proposals, please do comment. So long as they're not proposals of marriage.