Live by the blog, die by the blog

by Suw on August 7, 2009

I just had the realisation that I’ve been stopping myself from blogging recently. I’ve been too busy, too tired, too braindead, yes, but I’ve also been clamping down on my urge to blog. I’m not really sure why, but I don’t like it. I was talking to Steph Booth on IM when I suddenly realised it:

(17:21) Suw: you know, i think one of the reasons that i’m feeling so bad is that i’ve been stoping myself blogging
(17:22) Gummywabbit: aha. blog, blog. we’re bloggers first and foremost – if we don’t blog, we die inside

She’s right. Not blogging is making me feel shuttered and isolated. The main reason I’m not blogging is self-censorship, not wanting to shine a light on certain things that could cause certain reactions in certain people. And I’m still struggling with that a bit, to be honest.

The other thing that holds me back is that, whilst certain aspects of my life are great, others are not so hot and that affects my desire to blog. This new flat, for example, is much bigger and really nice inside, but manages to be both quieter (smaller road) and noisier (our bedroom faces the road, and our upstairs neighbours are noisy) than the old one. My happiness level swings to and fro here. Sometimes it’s great – it’s a good neighbourhood (by day) with some good restaurants within walking distance as well as two parks and good travel connections. Sometimes it’s horrible – when neighbours are banging about at 3 am, car doors are slamming outside and people are having arguments outside our bedroom window.

Frankly, I can’t wait to leave London completely. I will miss all my friends here when we do move, but after four years of stress it has become clear that it’s not possible for us to stay here and be happy. I need to focus on becoming more non-geographic over the next 18 months, so that wherever we go, I can still earn despite the fact that my clients have almost always been based in London. (Although that may be because I am also based in London… I wonder what would happen if we moved to North Wales!)

Ah, well, I’m bought some new beads this week, so I’m going to spend some of my holiday over the next week making new jewellery. My shop is still on Folksy, but all the items have fallen off the listings, so I need to re-list them all and add some more. Maybe that’s a project for this weekend! Oh, and amalgamating my Lost Yod blog with this one, it’d be good to get that done too. That, at least, will give me an excuse to post something here!

Stephanie Booth August 7, 2009 at 6:01 pm

About your clients being in London, and what would happen if you moved to North Wales: I think you’d discover that your clients would end up being from North Wales!

…says the girl from little Lausanne, Switzerland 🙂

Wanna move here? (OK, I know, French…)

Suw August 7, 2009 at 6:06 pm

Kev and I both loved Lausanne! I would certainly love to get out of the UK, but I suspect we’d end up going to the US. But right now, I’d settle for anywhere quite and a bit isolated. I’ve rather had enough of being in such close proximity to strangers.

Jackie Danicki August 7, 2009 at 10:31 pm

While I agree that leaving London can be a HUGE happiness enabler (I did it, after all!), I think it’s going to be a grim interim if you don’t work out ways to find more serenity and satisfaction while you’re stuck there. Maybe think of it as a challenge, an adventure, and one which will call upon all your vast cleverness and nous to win? It might at least turn into a fun thing to figure out rather than a totally depressing chore.

For me, even when I am in the places I know are geographically best for me (I now split my time between Silicon Valley and NYC), the little things about my immediate surroundings can drive me bonkers. (In CA: My bedroom is too small. I don’t have enough closet space. The cleaner always “runs out of time” before getting to my room. Lack of anonymity in meatspace. Etc. In NY: I’ve run out of space for books, in a 1300 sq ft flat! The always-on aspect of NYC that I thrive on so much kills my sleep routine. There’s no dishwasher in my gigantic kitchen. Etc. I know, I’m a crybaby.) I really have to make an effort to stop and savor every single wonderful thing about these places. (In CA: The palm trees, the mountains in the distance, the mild and sunny weather, the quiet of Silicon Valley. In NYC: Having everything I could ever want on my doorstep. Being able to socialize in meatspace at literally any time of the day or night. Reasonable amount of anonymity in meatspace.)

It sounds trite and I’m asking for a slap, but concentrating on the privileges of where you live can make a huge difference. Also, figuring out what you CAN control and tackling that. Not to mention the relief of having a good whinge about it every so often. 🙂

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