This new diet is guaranteed to work! You'll feel the pounds just falling away – and the good news is that you don't have to count calories or weigh your meals, just check your bank balance daily to see if you actually have the money to buy food in the first place.
Follow these five easy steps to become a lithe and beauteous specimen of humanity in just a matter of months.
Step 1: Engineer a crisis – financial is always good, such as imminent bankruptcy
Step 2: Loose appetite – skip breakfast and lunch, and make dinner a quick and insubstantial meal
Step 3: Avoid alcohol – after all, you can't afford it anymore anyway
Step 4: Move house and get ripped off by your landlord – keep those stress levels high at all times
Step 5: Just watch those pounds drop off!
Warning!
Your bank balance may take a pounding if you follow this diet. Bankruptcy is not for everyone and may cause unpleasant side effects. Women: this diet does not guarantee to get rid of that little bump of a stomach you've got – frankly that's the shape women are supposed to be so bloody get over yourself and accept it, alright? Men: just do the sodding crunchies to go with it, and don't come moaning to me about your beer gut. If you persist in swilling ten pints of insipid lager-shit down your throat every night, what the hell do you expect?
Brought to you by the Where's My Chocolate Foundation For Healthy Eating.
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